I just need to accept it… Wait - how do I do that?

In this blog post I compare it to an Enderman, a slippery fish, and a cat. Maybe I should just accept that acceptance will not be put in a box? Welcome to the annoying world of acceptance.

Perhaps things aren’t turning out as you expected, you’ve had to give up on something really important to you, you didn’t manage to secure that opportunity you went after, you’ve lost hope of being able to change things, you aren’t as successful as you want to be, you’ve experienced injustice or unfairness, or perhaps this is about one of your own less desirable qualities. Whatever it is, you have come to believe there is nothing you can do to change the situation, and you have decided the next best available option is to accept it.

 “I just need to accept it.” And maybe you’ve already been trying, you’ve been telling yourself this for a while, but acceptance remains elusive. How do you accept what you really don’t want to accept?

But acceptance is a slippery fish. It’s all about letting go, but it’s something that people want so much, so that they try to grasp it with both hands. ‘I just need to accept’. They are saying that they do not believe – rightly or wrongly – that they can have what they want, and therefore they want to stop wanting it and they want to stop feeling all the horrible feelings that come from wanting something you can’t have or experiencing something you don’t want. But the more you try to force yourself to accept, and the more you judge yourself for not accepting, and try to bury all the emotions about even having to accept it (grief, bitterness, anger, regret?) – the harder it can be to find acceptance.

Another challenge with acceptance is that it is so unique to everyone: it may arrive in the form of a gradual realisation that things have moved on, or a sudden epiphany; perhaps one last thing clicks into place, or several different parts become woven together or unlock; or perhaps you find a solution and realise you didn’t have to accept it after all.

But having given some excuses, I’m sure I can still write at least 10 points about acceptance (in fact I have at least few more blog posts in me on this topic), and hopefully there will be something in here that will usefully feed into your journey towards acceptance, and perhaps help you to find some kind of peace in the meantime.

1.       Do you actually need to accept it?

Is the reason you are unable to accept it because there is a part of you that hasn’t given up? And maybe you don’t need to accept it. Perhaps if you stopped fighting with yourself, trying and not being able to accept, you could save some energy and use that for doing something about it. Maybe it’s worth checking?

2.       Accepting doesn’t mean giving up completely.

Is it really an all or nothing situation? Perhaps there is something that is within your influence that you could do something about, even if the original hope is dashed, and perhaps if you take action on these parts, it will be easier to accept the other parts that you really can’t do anything about.

The big beautiful picture as a whole might be out of your reach right now, but maybe you can still put together something with the other pieces Photo by Benjamin Zanatta on Unsplash

3.       Change your definition
For example, instead of having to accept that you will just never be successful, could you work on a new definition of being successful that is more realistic and just as satisfying (once you’ve given the new version enough attention and developed your vision of it as fully as you did the old version).

4.       Go around the edges
As well as being like a slippery fish, sometimes acceptance can be like an Enderman (yes I have an 8 year old): it doesn’t like to be looked at directly in the eye. So it can be more effective to take the focus off trying to accept, and instead look at things around it, and as you shift things around it, you might become aware that you have made a shift in acceptance too. It might happen in stages or layers, or as a continual forward movement. The chances are that this situation, your acceptance of it and your difficulty with accepting it are caught up with other things. Untangle those and the acceptance issue will probably loosen up as well.

Don’t look directly at it - work around it and you might find that acceptance reveals itself. Photo by Drew Dizzy Graham on Unsplash

5.       Micro-moments, small steps

Maybe asking yourself to accept this thing is too much. Is there any small part of that could be acceptable?

6.       What need is not being met?

Let’s say you didn’t get the promotion and you are finding it hard to accept it. What need does that promotion represent? Is it validation of your sense of self-worth, or the opportunity for more fulfilment, more autonomy, or security for example? Are there other ways that you could meet those needs without the promotion? They might not be as good as the promotion, and you are allowed to feel disappointed, frustrated, angry etc but if you can find another way to even partly satiate those needs, it might help to accept not getting that promotion.

7.       What value is being violated?

Similarly, it could be that one or more of your values have been violated by what has or hasn’t happened. Try to identify what value(s). Sometimes just being able to identify it: Eg. ‘My value of fairness is being violated’ can help ease some of the discomfort because then you understand exactly what is so hard to accept and why. And then, knowing what it is, you could look at whether there is a way to salvage or express your (lack of) value-alignment in this situation. Or express to those responsible so that they understand what has been violated. Or if this is a fight not worth having, is there another way that you could honour that value in your life? Perhaps some way of bringing fairness to others who are unable to fight for themselves (with the value of fairness as our example).

If your values are being violated it’s not surprising that it’s hard to accept. Understanding this can help Photo by Liam Edwards on Unsplash

8.       What emotions are you trying to side-step?

Perhaps you can’t accept it just yet because you have grief or anger about not being able to have what you want, or the undesired situation, and those unexpressed, unheard feelings are holding you hostage, stopping you from ‘acceptance’. By seeking to accept, are you trying to avoid feeling those feelings?

9.       Manage your stress response
What you are going through is stressful. In order to come up with different possibilities, new ways of looking at things, or to find that sense of peace, you might need to dial down that stress response, soothe your nervous system and prime yourself for thinking creatively about what next (we are generally less creative and less able to spot opportunities when in fight or flight because attention tends to be more narrow in focus and responses tend towards the habitual and automatic). This doesn’t mean ‘managing away’ the unpleasant feelings as above.

10.   Accept that acceptance is like a cat
It will come to you when it’s ready. It’s just not going to come to you if you force it. It’s not there for your pleasure. Give it time, don’t hurry it, and at some point you will realise it has come to you. And it will be worth the wait.

Acceptance is like a cat. It will come to you when it’s ready and not before. Photo by Manja Vitolic on Unsplash

11.   Maybe what you need to accept is less about the situation itself, and more about the feelings it has generated.
Some of your frustration is around wanting this whole unpleasant thing to be over – you want to be able to accept the situation so that you don’t have to have horrible feelings any more. But perhaps what you actually need to accept is the horrible feelings. They have a right to be there you know. They don’t have to engulf you or crowd everything else out, and you can work with them on that. But expecting those feelings not to be there considering what has / hasn’t happened is a bit harsh on them.

I know it all seems so unfair. First this situation happened. Then you tried to do the wise thing and just accept it. And then you find out you can’t even have the acceptance you wanted. Acceptance can be annoying like that.

Perhaps the number one point is to be compassionate towards yourself.

Which of these points are your favourite? Are there any that might be applicable to you?

If you are having a hard time with acceptance, get in touch for a free discovery call to see how coaching can help.