A day is like a meal:
how to deal with metaphorical mushrooms on your metaphorical plate
My 6 year old used to write off a whole day or event because just one part of it left a bad taste in his mouth. He would say he had a 'bad day' or the 'worst day ever' and it would turn out that actually lots of things happened in the day - disappointing, heartwarming, boring, fantastic, interesting, surprising and everything else in between. But it was the bad stuff that stuck. The problem is, perfection is rare in life, so an attitude like that can result in a lot of days 'in the bin'. We started thinking of different ways to to look at a day and for some reason everything became about food. It was while writing the first sentence here that I realised that I don't hear him talking like this so much now, so maybe something clicked, or maybe that phase just came to an end. Either way I actually think some of the ideas we came up with might come in handy for me, myself, and maybe they are useful for you too.
It starts with mushrooms. My son hates mushrooms. Sometimes mushrooms get in there and ruin an otherwise good meal. So, if a metaphorical mushroom gets put on the metaphorical plate of your day, and all you want to do is throw the whole metaphorical meal away, what are some of your options?
My 6-year-old's worst nightmare
A buffet of options
Pick the mushrooms out (find a workaround so you don't have to have to experience what you don't like - either this time or get ready for next time)
Spit the mushrooms out (be absolutely clear that you don't want it and what it is about it that bothers you)
Hold your nose and eat quickly (get that part of the day over and done with, without engaging too much, and then forget about it)
Eat them and remind yourself that mushrooms help you grow (find a purpose or silver lining to the unpleasant experience)
Savour the watermelon (focus your attention on the things in your day that you loved and what you loved about them)
Eat one bite of mushroom only (do the token gesture, or the minimum required but don't feel obliged to go above and beyond)
Eat extra watermelon (make a deliberate point to spend some time having positive experiences in your day)
Have a palate cleanser (do whatever works for you to clear your mind / reset and move on so that you don’t carry the bad taste with you)
Sometimes it serves us to go along without a fuss and sometimes we need to stand firm with our disgust. But be intentional about your choice. Maybe remembering these funny little metaphors will help you to announce to yourself the choice you are making and find some ease with it.
It's amazing how hard it can be to remember that you have options when life gives you mushrooms. In many real-life situations I can imagine myself, for example, being less likely to seek out a positive experience if I have just had a bad experience. Feelings of frustration, despondence, disappointment, humiliation or any other emotion that can go with a bad experience probably won't give me the motivation I need to do that. But picturing the extra watermelon that I'm going to eat to remind myself of my intentions, might just give enough distance from those emotions that I can turn my day around. Try picking one or two of these and finding a helpful place to use them in your life - and let me know how it goes!
Or just try some
There might be some yummy parts and some yucky parts but if you don’t eat anything you’ll be hungry. So try a bite. Very often my children look in horror at something on their plate, but when they try it, it’s yummy. And this is regularly true for life too. How many times have you dreaded or avoided doing something that you ended up enjoying? And what about the times when something was kind of a disaster but left you with the feeling of really living life? We had exactly this on our recent road trip. So many things went 'wrong' throughout the trip but those things made for more interesting stories and funny anecdotes, or unexpected positive experiences we would otherwise have missed.
The possibility of the car breaking down, getting stuck at a petrol station all evening, kids missing dinner and not knowing if we were going to arrive at the guesthouse too late for check-in is the kind of thing that made us hesitate about whether to go on a road trip with 2 young children. But my children talk about the night at the petrol station, climbing trees and playing tag with the mechanic's son as one of their best nights of the holiday.
You will never experience the same meal twice
There are so many factors that go into the experience of a meal. Next time you might be less hungry, more tired, less experimental, more craving salt, less craving comfort. Your table companions may be different, or might be the usual people but in a different frame of mind today, the atmosphere round the table might be different. The weather might be hotter, the lighting setting off the colours in the dish differently. You might have more on your mind, fewer distractions, more time to savour. The ingredients might be fresher, one ingredient swapped out, the proportions slightly different, cooked for slightly longer. All these small differences add up to a new experience so you cannot know that “it’s going to go like this because last time…” A strong competitor for my best lifetime meal is crisps in a stale bread roll with black instant coffee, sitting on a rock, looking out at Lake Titicaca. This was about 15 years ago and I've eaten a lot of meals since. And just like stale bread and crisps are not always 'just' stale bread and crisps, nothing always stays the same in life.
This applies to non-meal-related reality too.
In Buddhist philosophy, there is the concept of 'impermanence' which is around the idea that everything changes and nothing is forever. This belief relates to everything from objects to circumstances and even to who we are. Have you noticed that you can be a different person depending on the day, who you are with, the circumstances and countless other factors?
So whatever happened in this meal/ event/ day/ experience, resist your brain’s natural eagerness to form predictions about the next time. Don’t hold too tightly to the memory of today to give meaning to tomorrow. Let it go and try to start the next day with a fresh palate.
In any other circumstances this meal, thrown-together using whatever we had left, would have been very unappetising, but there was something about the adventure of the experience and being hungry, that did to the food what no amount of seasoning ever could
Tweak the flavour of your day
It’s easy to just react to a meal with ‘yuck’ or ‘yum’ but what does that really tell you? If you pay attention to it, you can learn how to adjust your meal according to your tastes. Do you like that combination of ingredients? Do you prefer more or less spice? What about that texture? Do you prefer this sort of meal in the morning or after exercise or with company? Then you are more likely to be able to adjust future meals according to your preferences. Sometimes it’s worth getting into the kitchen and taking control of your meal / life.
It's about taking the time to reflect and learn about yourself, rather than just being reactive. (Just watch out in case your intention to reflect turns into ruminating or over-thinking). Often I hear people, including coaching clients, say 'That's just the way it is,' 'There's nothing I can do about it,' or 'I have to accept it.' And yet repeating these things doesn't stop people from feeling frustrated, angry or disappointed about it. It also doesn't make it true. Sometimes there is nothing to be done and sometimes we do have to accept it. But other times it might be worth checking: what exactly is this bitter taste and is there really no way of making it a little sweeter? Part of the problem I've noticed is when people see the situation as one big problematic whole. Then you feel like you've got to either reject or accept the whole thing. But breaking it down into manageable bites, or seeing small tweakable elements can help to find the parts you can accept, reject or change.
Bon Appétit
This post is bit of fun, and probably over-doing it on the metaphors. But there might be something in here that is useful for you or your child when the day is just garbage. Metaphors and imagery like the ones used here can help to anchor an idea so you're more likely to remember it in a mushroom moment. We use them a lot in coaching.
And if none of these works, well some days are like that. Take the day and chuck it in the bin. Start again tomorrow.
